Movie Review: Snakes On A Plane

3/10A

Was there ever a movie so suited for the blue "A" as Snakes On A Plane?

Quick - the plot! Er... a baddie wants a witness to a murder killed, so out of all the options available to him decides to do it with snakes. On a plane. That's it.

On the face of it it's classic made-in-Poland-with-JCVD-or-Seagal-starring nonsense, the sort of film that you see in some badly thrown together cover featuring no less than five spelling and grammatical errors in your local Costcutter. I've always thought those covers were made by the same people who do takeaway menus, since these also adhere to the no less than 5 errors rule. (see food curry? really?)

So why is it that Snakes On A Plane got lots of attention and Kill Switch or Renegade Justice didn't? Two words and an initial people; Samuel L Jackson. He's so cool even this cinematic dogturd gets pulled up to ice-coolness thanks to his ever reliable presence and he looks just as comfortable fighting CGI snakes with broken bottles attached to the ends of poles as anyone could. Seagal and Van Damme would just freeze to death next to this guys coolness.

Face it. He's cool.

I mean, I didn't even know Heather Graham was in it until she turns up, tiny dog in hand and starts flirting with the ocd rap star.

There's plenty to laugh at, not least the CGI snakes, but nothing is as funny as that premise.

Look matey, if you're able to illegally smuggle a whole bunch of illegal snakes from LA to Hawaii and then onto a Plane headed back to the states (which, by the way, was a late switcheroo by the FBI so well done for your speed) surely you could just have shot the guy? Or put a bomb on the plane? Or sabotaged it in any of the 4000 different ways you can sabotage a plane?

Blimey, you believe in doing things the hard way. In fact, when your lackey said "are you sure about this?" you were quick to reply "accidents happen". What kind of accident do you think this is supposed to be? Those snakes "accidentally" got set free by an explosive device? Those crazy making pheremones were sprayed all over everything by "accident?". You must live your life in perpetual fear of being killed by a flying tea cosy if that's the sort of thing you think is an accident.

Needless to say chum, the FBI take roughly two seconds to realise it's you that's responsible and you're eventually arrested for this crime and not the one the witness was trying to testify about. Mental!

But you don't come to Snakes On A Plane expecting sense. You'd be an idiot.

You came expecting dumb fun, and that is exactly what you'll get. A couple who really want to die and know the horror movie rules decide to have sex while smoking pot -the two guaranteed ways to get killed covered there. Good job! Another man, an obnoxious Englishman (aren't we all?) is so clearly inventive-ironic-death fodder we actually cheer when he meets his fate.

In fact, it's all so funny I kept expecting Leslie Nielsen to appear and do the old "The Hospital? What is it?" routine. Especially when the pilots buy it and a new guy has to be found to land the plane - it's ok folks - he plays computer games! Although, anyone who thinks the experience of playing on a PS2 gets you the skills needed to fly a modern jet is sadly mistaken, unless they have released a 452 button controller I don't know about.
Actually, I remember one for the XBOX... here's a picture of the daft thing.


Sad, huh? I think we sold a lot of them though when I worked at GAME so what the hell, good luck to them. If any geeks are drooling right now, the game was called Steel Battalion, and I'm not sure it was much cop. The controller was awesome though.

Well, back to the point.
I think Snakes On A Plane gets definite kudos for being the ideal film to sit down and drink beer in front of with your mates. I hope you do see it since anything that brings a bit of laughter into the world is alright by me.

A

P.S. I should state for the record I know this film isn't meant to be a true comedy, but by any meaningful standard it fails to be anything else.