Movie Review: Kingdom Of Heaven

This much mocked super epic attempt from Ridley Scott is one of those films I wanted to see, but not pay for - thank goodness for the advent of the PVR, so I got to see this and judge for myself its turkey credentials.

I'm a little surprised, actually, since despite being a by the numbers mentor-dies-and-inspires-rebirth tale its actually not total turkey land (unlike my other hope for lameness, Alexander, is supposed to be). Contrary to the usual sayiong though, I do want to damn it with faint praise. It's just not clever or exciting.

The moment we are introduced to Orlando Blooms character, we find out he is widowed due to a baby lost in pregnancy leading to his wife's suicide, and even more than that he is taunted by a horrid priest played by Michael Sheen. This is not the last of the attempts to show the evils of the horrid christians, especially Catholics, that pervades the film. It seems, in Ridley Scott's world, there were lots of noble crusaders who saw beyond the differences in colour race and religion and just wanted to get along (yeah right).

From the very second we are introduced to Liam Neeson playing essentially Qui Gon Jinn again we KNOW he is going to cop it, and conveniently does so almost immediately, and this is another problem - characters come and go frequently and with little reason, old Kevin McKidd, playing the same character he did in Rome turns up for a few scenes and then promptly vanishes and several new characters turn up unannounced every now and again; probably due to the butchers editing job done (there have been, to my knowledge, three cuts available of this, one less than of Alexander) and its just plain silly.

Despite its pretences to being serious and downbeat, the film proceeds to introduce the Templars, who in this film are played by a frankly laughable Brendan Gleeson in a ginger wig, and Marton Csokas playing, apparently, Alan Rickman's sherriff of Nottingham, so hammy his performance is. Every little dig at our bastard hero should be accompanied by a cackle and a flash of lightning - that's how silly this character is.

And another thing... I can't quite decide about Eva Green. I'd never seen her before Casino Royale and thought she was OK, but I've seen her a couple of times since, and the performances seem eerily similar - and luckily we are spared a taste of Orlando's attempts at love scenes, at least in the cut I saw, but her instant attraction is just not credible, despite the fact she is conveniently married to Mr Cackle the Templar.

The film is really well made from a production values respect and all the "look" of the film is done very well, though a couple of ill advised forays into slow-mo which make the whole thing seem cheapened as a result.

Major flaw time: I don't know who convinced Hollywood that Orlando Bloom should be a historic epics star (Troy, Kingdom, LOTR) but really, come on, he just doesn't sell it to me. I didn't mind Troy principally because Pitt and Bana looked like they could rip your head off without thinking, but Orlando is a little bit of a stretch, though he looks fine in the politicking and to a slightly lesser extent in a supposedly rousing speech to his men where he trots out his daddy's old motto (cos kids can;t think of anything themselves, dads!) but rushing into the middle of battle and coming out alive? Not so sure I'm afraid. Also, the guys supposed to be a blacksmith, but is considerably less muscular than a boy half his age (one of the featured supporting cast, introduced to add presumably a little bit of investment in the "ordinary troops").

Ah well, maybe I am prejudiced against the whiny little turd, but never mind.

The films saving grace is a largely unsung performance from Ed Norton (for it is really him) behind the mask and leprosy of King Baldwin - who manages to act everyone else off the screen (except perhaps the guys playing the Saracens) despite wearing an unmoving metal mask and being hidden by several layers of cheesecloth.

Reading back I think I have been fairly harsh on this film, but I think its greatest crime is that it contains little motional involvement, few surprises and some laughable telegraphing of plot developments particularly in the duel in the desert between Orly and the unrecognisable, supporting artiste "master" of instantly recognisable noted film and television actor Alexander Siddig - an attempt to draw comparisons with Lawrence of Arabia, perhaps - for example. Perhaps the famous actor is playing a more important part than it initially appears? DUH!

All these faults led me to a total lack of any positive feeling come the films supposedly heroic climax, which is a little sad.

Not a bad film, but I can't say the running time is worth it.

(Note: I'm not sure which cut this is, I suspect it is the original theatrical cut given that some bits I have read since watching it were not there, I'll have to leave it to others to judge whether the other cuts add or subtract anything)

A