RetroAlgo: Mammoth unfinished Star Wars sextology review (

Originally Posted Summer 2006

STAR WARS SAGA - SHITE OR ALRIGHT?

So we finally did it. Over the course of a week we have watched the whole sorry half arsed morality tale in order and I, of coure, have a few thoughts to share with posterior and posterity.

Episode 1 - A Universe Of Tax Breaks and Employment Legislation

It would, of course, be sooo easy to lay into this particular film, but after all this time I think it's worth reassessment. First, it is clear to me that there are two major and crucial factors missing in the newer trilogy (older in timeline I know). These are namely Han Solo and Darth Vader.

The importance of both of these characters is what drives the originals and makes them click - Han because he is the only character who links us ordinary people to this high drama (being the only interesting and non-pompous character in the plot up to then) and Darthy Boy because he gives a solid centre to the danger and to the evil. Without Darth the enemy are fairly simple to vanquish. Witness how a barely trained young Obi Wan manages to destroy the quality character of Darth Maul in one go? Rubbish.

The rot sets in as soon as 30 seconds pass and the opening crawl starts off. Who gives a shit about trade routes in the Naboo whatever? Now the Jedi turn up and all is hunky dory for a while but the next problem soon arrives in the form of a certain little twat with big ears. What's with all the stereotyping? Why are the trade federation japanese? Why would anyone design a robot with a SEPARATE GUN and that needs to TALK OUT LOUD to each other? AT least with C3PO there was a reason for it.

Also Lucas failure number 4000 - the universe, supposedly a quite big place - seems to be based around about 5 blokes and the planet tatooine.

ARE YOU AN ANGEL? No you little shit. I am the worst little actress in the world.

BUT!! Let's talk about the good points. There is, of course, if you're prepared to overcome the anger for two minutes. Quite a bit of cleverness in the plot designed by Palpatine. Convoluted as it is (lord how it is) it sure is clever. There's a great lightsaber battle and a chariot race to enjoy amongst all the politics. But bear in mind while watching this in future, that this is only the beginning, and there is so much more to come! So give it a chance and remember - there is NO way this will ever be different (at least until the next anniversary) so give it another chance. You can never be as disappointed as you were the first time and as a first chapter this is OK - just not what you expected at the time! The less said abou immaculate conception and midichlorians the better.

Line of choice: Anakin: Are you an angel?

Episode 2 - One Pout Against The Enemy

God knows how important George Lucas must have felt this film was - the whole world was one huge lynch mob and what was a lovely little ego trip had become a matter of life and death. Woe betide the bearded wonder, then, if Attack of the Clones didn't measure up!

Strange then to realise that on almost every level, half of this film is total shit (ie any scene featuring the 'love interest', especially 'The Sound of Music' sequence) - he failed on almost every level to build a relationship with any kind of realism (who wants to go out with someone that they knew when they were 10 years old? YUCK!) and succeeds in outdoing his whiny little shit kid character ('are you an angel?') with someone equally as irritating. That Hayden Christiansen can act well is open to debate, but he does not deserve such awful dialogue as this!

The inestimable Mr. P will remember that the cast of Importance of Being Earnest went to see this film at the cinema at midnight the day of release (after our dress rehearsal) and we found two scenes extremely laughable (and so did the rest of the audience). These are namely the sick "MOM!" "wet dream" sequence, and Senator Amidala's sudden recovery from a neck breaking fall from a Clone Transport - "Senator, are you OK? Yup."

Interesting then that on the DVD these are the two sequences that have changed (Lucas is never finished tampering - as my review of Episode VI will testify) the cringe inducing dream sequence is significantly shortened and the "YUP" that made us all laugh our little arses off has been replaced with a far less hilarious "uh... uh-huh". Though there is nothing Lucas can do about her sudden recovery subsequently.

Thank the lord then for the twin saviours of Episode II - Obi Wan Kenobi and Yoda!!!

Without the legendary fight scene at the end of this movie (during which I grin like a nutter every time) the film would probably have been just as unpopular as the first one. With it, it will always hold a special place in all fans hearts. Plus - Christopher Lee's machiavellian trip to the casts of every major series of films is gaining pace - expect to see him in Harry Potter and Stormbreaker as well, I shouldn't wonder. His cool sail ship rocks as well.

Plus for added fantasy geekdom, try and draw as many parallels between the 'join me' dialogue between Obi/Dooku, and the Gandalf/Saruman scene in The Fellowship of the Ring. Very Very Similar, but I suppose excusable given the source material for both projects was the ancient myths of the world and this scene (temptation to take the easier, evil path) can be seen in lots of those, I guess. Though none immediately spring to mind. Better forget that point then.

Obi Wan (a character very close to my heart anyway) is finally given a chance to show how cool he is by facing off with Jango Fett (yet another villain who is vanquished all too easily just like his son and Darth Maul) on Kamino and spending a large portion of the film on his own away from Mr Pout and Whingygirl!

No real bravery with Anakin becoming bad here, either. Not that wiping out a whole family of sand people isn't a cool way of unleashing the dark side, but Anakin is far too easily swayed back to being "good" again and as we shall see, his development in this regard is far from convincing. This may seem evil of mem, but I always assumed (up til this film) that he'd raped Amidala as she wasn't interested in him but there you go, clearly not sunday afternoon sky movies fare in my head! Would have been better to focus on his unrequited love and growuing obsession with her, but that may be just my opinion!

On the whole this film is OK, problems mainly coming from the lack of perspective Lucas has on the whole thing. Didn't he think it would be OK if SOME characters from the original trilogy weren't involved earlier? Especially taking Episode 3 into account. Also for anyone who has read the trilogy of books set after the end of ..Jedi (featuring the cool as a fridge Admiral Thrawn) will realise Lucas is seriously fucking with his own house here. Once again the giant scale of the universe is damaged by having all the characters in some way related to each other.

Peace, out!

Episode 3 - Plot Hole Polyfilla

This film is so much better than the previous two movies it's almost embarrassing to think they're part of the same story. That being said (and me being as pedantic as I clearly am) I couldn't help but slate it a bit.

First, and with little doubt, the opening crawl on this film is awesome - just what we want,a nd the massive fight at the beginning is done brilliantly - as is then establishment of Anakin's mistrust of the Jedi. Palpatine really steals the show, though and is finally given a chance to roll out that excellent evil voice (the only voice in which to say "The darrk sssside of of the ffforce!") for real and for extended periods. The cleverest thing here is IMHO the parallel between Mace Windu's death and the choice given to Vader at the end of ...Jedi. He has seen this before! Just cool as!

Ewan McGregor's Alec Guinness impersonation has never been better ('hello there' he says, channelling the old coot almost as well as Brandon Routh channels Chris Reeve). There are countless cool lightsaber moments in this (the king of which is Yoda chucking his into a clone trooper's chest) and a fight between the Emperor and Yoda with James Bond style vocal jousting going on. Just great! Oh, and the coolest Yoda moment is how he avoids becoming a victim of order 66 - watch in awe!

So what's the problem, Algo you big fat beardy moaner?

Well, Dave (as I know that's your response) the problems are mostly caused by the huge amount of work left to do to ensure the first and second trilogies match up and lack of anticipation with regard to what problems this would bring. Plus Lucas puts Chewbacca in as well (note he does not share my concerns on this point at all). These points are all completely cliched now, I suppose, but I'll note them none the less.

1. To hide someone from their father - best not to leave them with family members on his home world (just a thought!)

2. If you are also trying to hide, wouldn't it be advisable to change your name completely rather than from Obi-Wan to Ben (don't know about you, but I'd always assumed that Kenobi was a known and considered defeated enemy, hence why he was left alone)

3. Why does C3PO's mind get wiped when R2's doesn't?

4. If Qui-Gon knows the secret of coming back to visit through the force, why isn't he in the lineup at the end of Episode VI? Why isn't he involved at all?

5. Why does Natalie Portman look like she would rather be anywhere else? The love angle is far from convincing

6. How did the scene containing "You are so beautiful" / "That's because love has blinded you" / "NO! That's because love has blinded you" ever make the final cut?

7. Vader's final giving in is a kind of "Oh, Alright" moment completely against the development so far,when he sold the Emperor out to the Jedi. Hardly a momentous occasion, it is very like someone being given a bit of work to do that isn't really their job - he's just a bit grudging for a bit then gives in (rather than quitting. Maybe that's not altogether an appropriate simile). Before you know it he's wiping out a roomfull of kids. Sorry, younglings.

Line of Choice: Amidala: I'm not going to die in childbirth, Anakin. I promise you!

In the end,

the "new" trilogy will always be remembered, I am sure, as a missed opportunity, and the subject of "how we'd have done it better" discussion for a similar period. Never forget that over the last thirty years, George Lucas has redefined filmmaking techniques and developed new ways of getting his (and other folks') vision to the screen. I just think it's a pity that the story seems to have got lost along the way. Lets hope that he lets someone else have a go at the scripts for the TV series, yeah? Take a step back George, your work is done!

Episode 4 - Oh Thank the fucking lord! Han Solo! (and Wedge)

Don't think the enthusiasm has gone out of me for this little project, but as everyone knows these films really well (who's sad enough to be interested) I thought I'd write a bit about the whole trilogy in light of the new films and try and debunk the myth George Lucas actually wrote these thirty years ago (as Mr P will agree, again - this is very unlikely)

So we open the fourth episode after seven or eight hours of political wrangling and poor dialogue and start off on the same ship everyone ended up on at the end of the previous film. This is really cool, though the question remains why the 70s have returned to Captain Antilles' hairdressers.

So, in light of the earlier encounter with Darth Vader, his first appearance isn't quite so much of a revelation (though after countless viewings I guess we are all at that stage) but he's instantly cooler than anything in the previous three films - ignoring Leia pleas with a dismissive "Take her away" (ironically a request which every father makes about their child at some point).

The major thing that contrasts between this one and Phantom Menace is the pace of it. Within a short while we've had the droid escape, attacks by Jawa "OOtini!" and the first signs of Luke. Far better than the negotiation crap in Phantom Menace and the best thing is NO JAR JAR (though he sort of appears at the end of ...Jedi)!

Here's the first bit of evidence that Lucas didn;t do much planning back then for his "original" trilogy. As previously stated, it makes no sense to hide someone's son on their home planet, with their family for god's sake! Even though Amidala was buried in a pregnancy simulator (as seen in the Iced Tea adverts) it's a colossal and stupid risk to take.

More impact is assured when the Death Star blows up Alderaan. Jimmy Smits is down there, man! Who'll star in Tommyknockers 3? We've seen this planet now from the surface (however briefly) and we get a lot more out of the horror of this massacre as a result.

Yada Yada Yoda - Scum and Villainy etc.

You know, it's weird that Obi Wan is so keen for Luke to become a Jedi after his family history, maybe, like old Tony Blair he is trying to achieve a legacy (and what a legacy) but on first meeting he is merely enthusiastic! Yeah, that's it. Obi Wan is Tony Blair and Yoda is Mandelson!

Right spin on it we must put!

As I put it before we are treated to the most important new feature in this film - the cynic, the everyman - US if you like, needing to be converted. In the original trilogy there was no one who just didn't give a toss. NO freelancers. Even Jango Fett was on a side! Han Solo is his own man, and because of his appearance this universe they created suddenly feels more real - and this ordinary man is just as important to the destiny of the Empire as anyone else. Quality.

It's not all a bed of roses, though. C-3PO could have been played with as much gravitas by Bonnie Langford ("AAAAAHHHH!!!) and the 1997 special edition scenes are useless (though the inserts are cool, like the extra troops etc.), my least favourite "gag" being the bit where Han walks over Jabba's tail. This arose from a problem with the character of Jabba changing from a man to a big slug (obviously). Problems with this scene include the fact that the dialogue is very similar to the Greedo scene ("even I get boarded sometimes"), the fact that any self respecting mob boss would have Han shot for stepping on him , and who's that green alien in the background? Is that Greedo back from the dead, because they ran out of costumes? Nice to see Lucas' "small universe" concept coming back into play as Boba Fett is already there (retconned, if you will)!

If Obi Wan is Tony Blair then George Lucas is Claudio Ranieri!

The showdown between Obi and Darth on the old Death Star (not a star, I know, but a far cooler name than "death moon" or "death station" which sound like 80s heavy metal bands) gains a huge amount from the past relationship we have seen in the first trilogy, though it does appear from what I can infer that both of them have completely forgotten how to fight in the intervening time. I blame all those nights talking to ghosts, Obi!

The attack on the Death Star in X-Wings, as anyone who has played one of the brilliant games of this will agree, is quite a rush! I remember the first time I did it on X-Wing on my PC and it was so great I almost spilled my glass of milk. I forget how old I was! If you're looking for a great game, x-wing would be the place to start - weird that this series was almost universally great when so many star wars games were utter rubbish (or to use a phrase from the same period, complete Rise of the Robots)

This battle also enables us to appreciate for the first time the true hero of all this nonsense.

WEDGE!!!

Wedge is the man! Forget the fact that he acts everyone else off the screen and only doesn't complete the mission far quicker than Luke did because he's not a blonde pretty boy. Long live Wedge (who doesn't get a medal at the end either, Chewie, so I don't know what YOU'RE complaining about)

Other things worth mentioning in passing (and in TIE fighter bullet points):

[o] How cool is Vader's ship? That thing fucking rocks, boy and you know it!

[o] Every time I watch this film I wish I had surround sound for the first five minutes. That would be enough for me I reckon! The only fims that come to mind as having similarly good and exciting starts are Blade Runner, Die Hard With A Vengeance and curiously, M:I:3 (guilty pleasure I know)

[o] TIE stands for Twin Ion Engine. The recent probe SMART-1 that went to the moon was driven by an Ion Thruster. That's pretty cool I reckon. If it had two and a bunch of lasers I reckon no Alien fucker would come near our planet (though the transmissions of Are You Being Served achieve a similar effect).

[o] On this (and all) Star Wars movies, I like to test my ability to go "DAAAAAAAH" at the right moment after the Fox logo. I always get it wrong.

ENOUGH boredom. If you want to debunk my opinions then write comments. If not, hit me with KUDOS!

Line of Choice: Han Solo: Ahhh. Boring conversation anyway.